Dying to Self.......again....

You'd think I'd get the hang of it by now!!

Another picture taken on our vacation to the great north of British Columbia! Some of the headstones were dated all the way back to the gold rush in the 1800s! But this isn't a history dissertation.....this image is very appropriate to the battle in my head.....long sigh....

Last post I was sharing some of the struggles I've been having with learning to live out Ephesians....I was so blessed by the comments a few of you made and I even received some phone calls on encouragement.....nice to know people are reading! I better be careful though, eh??

But I was sent a very intense e-mail by a friend that challenged me on how I can speak the truth in love.....it was really good...I've often told her she should be a preacher! But something hit me yesterday...I got a phone call from a parent of a couple of our kids and she has spent most of her life struggling. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, or emotional abuse, she's seen it all. She shared with me her story and her fears for the future.....having her kids in our care, Tim and I have seen the effects of her lifestyle negatively affect her young kids. It's grieved us deeply. Although I had never spent any lengthy time talking with her, she opened her heart and I was humbled. She cried out for help and I listened. At the end, I shared with her some practical solutions or "helps" for her current dilemmas and realized that many of my suggestions were very difficult for her to follow through with. No doubt she felt stuck.

But what hit me the most was her willingness to be completely REAL, raw.....and her DESIRE to change her current lifestyle and its effects on her kids. She was so ready and desperate for something to take control of her, to ease her fears, and comfort her in her pain that when I asked her if she felt like she had hope for her kids and her future, she said a sobbing "no". But then, instead of staying in that place of hopelessness and despair, she said, "but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get that...." That's when I realized that the only person that could even remotely bring her hope was Jesus. I asked her if I could pray for her and if she had ever surrendered to the God that created her, loved her, knew her inside and out, and gave Himself for her.....she said that early in life, she had been to church, but had trouble with faith and church people...she felt like she just couldn't be like them. I could relate. She shared about the many "christians" who had hurt her all in the name of God and how they used "religion" as an answer to everything. I could relate.

I told her that sometimes the greatest hinderance to people knowing Jesus personally are the very people who say they know Him. She agreed to me praying for her aloud on the phone....I prayed for peace, for hope and for wisdom.....that Jesus would show her who He REALLY was and that she would recognize how much He loves her and desires to not just walk beside, but CARRY her through this incredible struggle in her life. I got off the phone after an hour and felt as though Jesus was taking care of it...I was done until further notice. What hit me then is how I had no problem telling her the truth about her lifestyle's negative impact on her kids and how things could get worse if she didn't take care of herself...I had no problem telling her that Jesus was really the only One that could get her through this because, clearly, so many people had let her down and I had no problem praying with her....I discovered that while I cared about her life and salvation, I didn't care if she was offended by the things I said and part of me didn't even care if she took my advice. If she was ticked at my methods or reported me to the powers that be, I didn't even care! What a blessing to be at that place. And yet, it depressed me because as I wrote in the last post, I cannot seem to do that with those who I am forced to have relationship with.

I struggle to speak my mind, share what the Word says, offer help, or just speak about the Lord with them. I feel unsafe with little confidence and though I wouldn't say fear is there, I feel an enormous amount of pressure to keep things status quo....not rock the boat..... The difference is that this parent I spoke with had a heart desiring to make wrongs right, confessed the things she struggled with and wanted to change things for the sake of others. Her heart was repentent and even if she can't make changes for a long time, she's willing and open to admit their effects on those around her. I have patience and grace for that. I struggle with being around people who refuse to acknowledge the pain they've caused and yet expect others to just accept being their doormat. The only way I FEEL I can deal with the battle in my head (which is to know what HIS good and perfect will is and the RIGHT way to deal with all this poo) is to serve....force myself to be quiet and to serve....I'm still searching....waiting for God's timing to speak the truth like mom said....putting on the armour of God and standing firm in the truth like Nishki said, and trying to practice grace and patience like Jesus said. And so I pray..."God...make me like You, because I so desire to be a blessing and not cause pain...fill me with your Spirit and give me wisdom...choke out bitterness and anger and flush out intimidation....in Jesus' Name. Amen." ---sigh----